Updated: Oct 26
The other night I had a taste of what Abraham felt when God asked him to sacrifice his only son for the Lord’s sake. I had a dream the other night and, in the dream, a Voice asked me to leave my family and go to Haiti. I did not like that at all, so I got up. I fell back as sleep and I had the same dream again, but this time the Voice asked me to go somewhere in Africa. Again, I got upset and got up without giving an answer. I fell asleep again, and the same dream happened. This time the voice said, “why do you keep telling people the Lord’s will be done, when you’re not following it?” In one of these dreams, my wife was giving birth to our daughter. That is why I was so upset, because I have been waiting all my life for this moment and why would God ask me this right now? Seriously, during labor in the hospital?
I am so upset at myself for not giving an answer. Perhaps, I am not fully living for Him. Am I living too much for my family and myself? If you know what happened to my family last year, you will understand why I was so upset at God.
My wife and I were expecting our first child, Violette. Everything was going great, until one day it was not. We were three weeks away from meeting our little angel, then one day, my wife did not feel any movement. We rushed to the hospital at midnight, but there was no heartbeat when we got there. I have never experienced such pain in my life! I was born and raised in poverty in Haiti, believe me when I say, I know what pain feels like both physically and mentally. We are now expecting our second child, and she is very close to being with us. So, why would God ask me this question now? I still do not know the answer to the question. To make things worse, we had trouble feeling the baby kick this morning. We were on our way to get a rocking chair for our nursery, and on the way there, my wife could not feel her move at all. I tried to be strong for my wife, but I almost lost it after ten minutes of us trying to get her to move. I started thinking about my dream and what it could have meant. I told God, “I cannot go through with this again, I am done if this doesn’t happen.” A few minutes later, my wife said the baby was moving. I checked and I could see her kicking. I was relieved!
I can tell you right now that I am a hypocrite. Let me explain…
When my wife told me she was pregnant for this time, the first thing I said was, “God thank you so much for trusting us to bring your child into this world. We know this baby is yours, and we are just watching over it. I pray that you will give us wisdom to raise this baby to become your servant and to advance your kingdom. I want this baby to love you more than anyone in this world, and may this baby put you first in everything he/she will do in their life. Most importantly, MAY YOUR WILL BE DONE!”
In the middle of losing Violette, that last part kept on coming into my head. I mean, every time I was so angry at God for letting what happened took place. Every time I was crying, every time I was mourning and every time I think of my little angel. I truly believe that was God reminding me of what I said the moment I knew we were having a baby. I was still mad at God for months; I did not have it in me to open my mouth to pray. Every time I prayed; it was in my heart. For three to four months, I did not open my mouth to pray to God. Then it occurred to me, weren’t you the one that said HIS WILL BE DONE? Why are you angry now? Wasn’t that HIS WILL? Not that God needed my permission, but I did say He could do whatever He wanted with this child. Now I am mad because that was not my will? When is our will God’s will? Who is the beginning and the end? Who is the Alpha and Omega? Who spoke life into the world? Who brought me into the world? Who is the only one who knows everything we need to know and understand about the world? If God is the answer to all these questions, then maybe I need to shut up.
“Your kingdom come.
Your will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven”.
In Him, We Find Peace
It is not that I don’t feel the pain anymore, but I am reminded Who is in charge. I was put back into my place, where I belong. I believe my dreams the other night were to put me back on track because I had felt that I gotten it wrong. I have been putting all my energy toward my wife and the baby for the past few months. They are all I think about every day because they are my world, but God is telling me that He is my SAVIOR! My family does not come first, HE does! If there’s one thing you take from my story, I want you to always remember Who is in charge in our lives and we need to trust Him when we ask HIM for His will to be done. And remember, His will always triumph overall. I pray that you will put God’s plan over everything you do in your life. When I do that, I find it easier for me to live.
1 Peter 4:19
“Therefore, those also who suffer according to the will of God shall entrust their souls to a faithful Creator in doing what is right”.